


Don't Let Go

by Juuulia



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Connor x Evan - Freeform, Eating Disorder, F/F, F/M, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Suicide Attempt, Protective Jared, Smut, Tree Bros, dear evan hansen - Freeform, did you fall or did you let go, first fic, fluffff, galaxy gals if u squint, gayyyyy, me projecting, self harm mention, snugglesssss, well they’re sorta the same but
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-08
Updated: 2017-12-02
Packaged: 2018-12-25 07:48:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 13,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12031398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Juuulia/pseuds/Juuulia
Summary: "Dear Evan hansen,Today is going to be a good day and here's why; it's a Friday, so you really only have to make it through today. You have been completing your letters every day. Um you get to so Connor too and uh Connors good, just don't mess up your friendship. Don't tell him how you feel, how you are so in love with him, don't even tell him how bad you are getting. Oh and it is also a sleepover... Dear Evan Hansen, try not to mess this up too badly.SincerelyMe"





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! So this is the first (of many chapters) of this book. I've been working on it for a while(aka i have been writing it for 4 months but was way to unsure to publish it and now already have 33,000 words ready to publish) so I'm gonna try for a 3-4 times a week upload schedule. This is my first real storylined book so maybe give a lil constructive criticism?
> 
> Warnings: Anxious thoughts, nothing else for this chapter

Dear Evan Hansen,  
Today is going to be a good day and here's why; it's a Friday, so you really only have to make it through today. You have been completing your letters every day. Um you get to see Connor too and uh Connors good, just don't mess up your friendship. Don't tell him how you feel, how you are so in love with him, don't even tell him how bad you are getting. Oh and it is also a sleepover... Dear Evan Hansen, try not to mess this up too badly.  
Sincerely   
Me-  
"Evan come on, I've already called your name 5 times"

"C-Coming mom" I yelled, grabbing my bag and rushing out to the car.

"Sorry mom I was just um, writing one of the-the letters" 

"Oh good honey, Dr. Sherman said those are really gonna help you" I could feel her happieness knowing I was actually doing it, they don't really help, at all. We pulled up to school and as I was getting out she said, "see you tomorrow, have fun at Connors honey, remember, I'm bringing your pills to the therapist to get the higher prescription" 

"Thanks mom" I replied and got out of the car, walking into school with my head down. If I can't see them they can't bother me, plus I can't make eye contact with someone awkwardly and then they tell all there friends the weird Hansen freak is staring at them and-I felt a hand on my shoulder and tensed up, all until I heard Connor go, "Thank fuck it's Friday" 

I stifled a laugh and looked up at him, quickly putting my head back down. I don't want to stare like I know I always do. Frankly I don't even wanna be here right now, but I need to get good grades and a good college and make money to provide for my mom and- "Hey, Ev, are you okay? You seem a bit off lately" 

I tried to focus on his hand that was resting on my shoulder until I could summon a response. "Oh yeah, t-totally fine just I'm a little uh on edge" that part was true, I needed a stronger prescription for my meds and luckily my mom is getting it today. He looked concerned and I felt bad, but he already worried about me enough. When we became friends he had just stopped smoking and was in a bad place. Now he was almost totally better after his final attempt at suicide. God forbid if he ever found out I just let go. I looked down at my arm, focusing on the spot that Connor had signed, now my cast is off.. I felt my cheeks begin to warm. 

Connor said "You look a little flushed? Is that the problem? Are you sick? " I shook my was frantically till I felt his hand rest on my cheek, causing me to flinch back. 

My eyes went wide,"nonono Connor in sorry I was just surprised b-b-because your hand was so cold- im I'm sorry" 

Connor still looked a little hurt but said "no it's okay, sorry It was a little sudden" I felt him reach out and press him hand against my cheek. "Nah you are good, no temperature, that's good, wouldn't wanna cancel our plans. Oh an I know your mom won't be home so we can just swing by and grap your bag" oh no. I didn't pack the bag. He is gonna be mad and this is why Jared doesn't like me because I'm a bad friend and now he's never gonna talk to me and and i'm gonna have no one- once again I felt Connors hand, but it was Resting on my other shoulder, for a couple seconds he pulled me into his side before moving his arm to rest on my shoulder. 

Firmly he said "Evan, what is wrong, did something happen, did you forget to write a note or forget to do something" my eyes went wide and I looked at him. I had done something that barely ever happened, I forgot to take my medication. 

He said "what Ev, what's wrong you can tell me, please, class is starting soon" 

I just barely whispered, almost to myself,"I forgot my medication, and to pack" he said,"speak up" I said,"I um for-forgot my medication" for a second he looked almost sad, then it changed to worry. He quickly grabbed the books I needed for first period and dragged me by the hand into the cleaning closet. He set down both our books and immediately pulled me into a hug. I sorta just stood there, not even hugging him back, still in shock. 

He pulled away and said,"Evan? I need you to be strong for today, okay? For lunch I will order us food to the school, we can sit outside under that tree you fucking love and eat lunch. Just make it till then. After that, it's only an hour or two till we can drive to your house and get the medication." I nodded my head, not being able to tell him that it's with my mom. 

He smiled," don't worry, I have some awesome movies and video games lined up for us to play, it will be awesome." Then he picked up his and my books, gave me my books, and got ready to walk out. But not after lifting my chin and pressing a kiss to my forehead, remaining there for a couple of seconds then pulling away and holding the door for us to leave, his and my cheeks both burning. Maybe total won't be as bad as I thought it would? 

He has never done anything like that. he just did it out of pitty, he doesn't mean it, he will never love you. 

As soon as I walked into first period it went to complete hell.


	2. And Everything's Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rest of the school day, a.k.a: angst™, pining, fluff, what a great combo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is sort of short! I'll put out more tomorrow, don't worry, more fluff (and angst) is coming!

Evan pov:  
By lunch time I was about to have my second panic attack, and shakily walked up to Connor, who wordlessly lead me to the tree in the corner of the schoolyard. We sat down and I felt better automatically. 

Connor gently said "how's it going" 

I said,"it could b-be worse i guess "   
Connor looked sad for a second ,"hey, if you want to rescedual the sleepover, we can have it next Friday" I shook my head. 

Maybe he doesn't actually want to have it and this is his way of saying it or-,"whatever fucked up thing your mind is interpreting what I said as, I meant that I am concerned about your health far more that our sleepover."

I could kiss him right here right now. But I don't, I just grinned at him and muttered a "thanks" I leaned my head on his shoulder for a couple seconds before quickly pulling away. 

What if people saw, what if the could tell I was in love, what if he could. The only people that knew were Zoe and Jared. 

He got up to go get the pizza he ordered, promising he would be right back. In 4 minutes he was back, with a 2 person pizza and all. He knows I usually only eat one peice but he still only at 3, offering the 2 extra to me. I refused until he said,"come on Evan please, you know we worry about your eating habits" and that's how I ate a second slice. 

It felt weird but it made Connor happy and that all that matters. Soon enough, lunch was over, throwing me back into the cycle of hell. 

Thank god I had one class with Connor, which was my last class. By then I was a wreck. Even Jared looked concerned. Eventually it was all over. I let go of the breath I didn't know I was holding in as I walked out the door. 

Then I realized that I forgot my notebook that I prestige my journals in the classroom. I turned to head back before stopping. Be in there with the teacher, alone? Do I really need the notebook?What if someone finds it and finds all my secrets? Would it be better to run?

-I've learned to slam on the breaks, before I even turn the key-

I decided I should just go get my notebook. I shakily opened the door, only to see Connor talking to the teacher. He saw me walk in and gave a smile. 

I said"I-I-I just forgot my my um notebook in h-here sorry" Mr Akman just replied,"that's quite alright Evan" I shakily grabbed my book and made sure every thing was okay with it. Then I briskly walked out of there, waiting for Connor to come out too. 

As soon as he walked through the door I felt relieved. In the hallway I stuck to his side as good as possible, taking in the warmth while I could. Once we had both gotten our backpacks we walked out to Connors car. 

After shutting the door I sat down in the familiar passenger seat. For the first time that day I felt okay. 

He looked at me, and everything was okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any feedback will be greatly appreciated!


	3. Did You Fall?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> or did he let go?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kudos,and wow that's a lot of reads in only 2 days,thanks so much!

When we got to my house we hopped out and I said,"I-I gotta p-pack my bag" 

He said," okay, need any help" I replied,"yeah, um sure" We stepped into my house, He asked,"is your mom home? I haven't seen her in a couple days" 

I said,"no, um she has a l-late night shift" he said,"okay, anyway, um we probably need to grab you a pillow, over night clothes, and like what else? Oh also, we gotta get your medication" oh shoot, this is where I disappoint him,"umm you see I uh, my mom she-she took my pills to get refilled today so I-I don't have them here um I probably do have some other medication that can help me" 

Connor nodded, not wanting to make me feel bad by showing concern. We went up to my room and I asked Connor to grab my pillow as I got a small duffel bag. 

I came back into my room to find him with my pillow and nightclothes ready to go. "Oh thanks" "no prob" then we went downstairs so I could check to see if there was any medicine. I searched the cabinet while Connor wandered around the kitchen, looking at all the little reminders my mom put up for herself. 

I heard him call,"hey Evan, what's this?" I looked out to see him holding the note pad my mom had her to do list on. 

I said,"oh, just my moms reminder/ to do list" he said,"um no Ev, uh come here. I think we need to talk" I sat down, shaking. 

He said,"what's wrong" I half yelled,"nothing, just this is where you tell me you hate me and don't wanna be friends and just walk out because I give you to much stress and- "no Evan, none of that's happening. But we need to talk about something on this list."

I said,"okay" he said,"we'll under 'get new medication' it says,'assignment from doctor Sherman, talk to Evan, Fall or jump out of tree" 

oh. No. This can't happen. I didn't even tell Dr. Sherman! I haven't even told anyone.

I just whispered,"how did he know? I haven't told anyone about that." 

I banged my fist on the table," this FUCKING therapist thinks he can bring even more stress to my mom. She doesn't need to know how how how messed up I am right now, and I have been trying to tell myself that I did fall it it's getting harder and harder to deny, and I don't want to worry you either because I know you are struggling right now and I just HATE it" at this point I was crying, and I hate crying infront of people, even though infront of Connor, it was a little more okay. 

He said nothing. He just opened his arms and let me walk into them, huggin me like it was the only thing that mattered. 

I buried my head in his shoulder. I realized I would get his shirt wet so I pulled away and just felt him put my head back on his shoulder and whispered,"I don't give a fuck if you get my shirt wet Ev" a few seconds after I felt wet soak through my shirt. 

Connor barely ever cries. I made him cry. I'm a terrible person. Then he pulled back slightly, and I could see the tears. 

He just said,"Evan, did -did you far or did you let go?" I looked down. He repeated,"did you fall, or did you let go?" 

I looked up before looking down and whispering,"I-I let go" I leaned back into his embrace before whispering,"Connor you are crying, I'm sorry did I trigger flashbacks to yourself or are you angry with me or-" he just whispered,"I almost lost you, fuck Evan. I didn't even think you would do something like that. How bad are you right now? " the pain in his voice was so noticeable it hurt me.

It was my time to hold him close to me. I was hit with shock because I realized how he felt. I had gone through the same when he tried to commit. It's the worst feeling. 

Slowly he pulled away, whipping his tears. I said,"We can talk about this later okay Con? Lets just head back to your house and hang out okay?" He smiled,"I think that's the longest sentence you've ever said without stuttering" but it wasn't in the teasing way, like Jared does. 

I just fall more and more for him everyday. Before leaving I made sure I grabbed my weighted blanket. Connor gave it a wired look, I said,"it's a-a weighted blanket, it calms anxiety." 

He took it from my hands and unrolled it, draping it over me. I said,"you didn't have to d-do that" trying to hold in the blush. He replied,"but I wanted to" I just rolled my eyes as we walked out to the car. 

We sat down and curled into the blanket as much as I could. After a minute I said," I look like a fricking nun" this caused Connor to laugh a little too hard, almost loosing his focus on driving. When we got to his house he jumped out of the car, saying," come on sister Evan lets go" I snorted at that, and I started walking up to the front door. He said," Zoe and my parents aren't home, my parents are goin to be back tommorow at 3 and Zoe mightn't be sleeping over Alana's. 

I nodded, taking my shoes off and calling down their pet corgi, Oliver. He ran as fast as those stubby legs could go and jumped to meet me. Soon enough he was curled up in my lap, almost asleep. 

Connor walked out of the kitchen with snacks and drinks. He looked amused to see me there with Ollie. He grinned and said,"come on Ev you can steal my dog later. 

I picked up Ollie and followed Connor to their home theaters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wont be posting another chapter till I get some comments just so I know if people like the story or if they have any suggestions


	4. And At Last I See The Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoe and Alana make and entrence!!!!  
> Cuddling- lots of it  
> I wanna make Evan being a good singer canon  
> Also, don't fucking tell me Evans fav Disney movies aren't Tangled and the Lion King
> 
> Trigger Warnings:  
> Cursing  
> Evan's depricating thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the feedback in the last chapter!!! Love you guys!

Evan pov:  
            I sat down on the couch, getting ready for our usual debate of what to watch. Instead, he put in a movie and sat down next to me, pressing play. 

I said,"Connor what movie are we watching?" He just smiled and said,"you'll see" I blushed when I realized it was my favorite Disney movie, tangled. I said,"Conner we don't have to w-watch this" 

He just smiled and said,"but I want to" I rolled my eyes and sat down, curling into my blanket. Within 10 minutes I was lying down with my head resting on his lap as he absent mindlessly rubbed circles on my shoulder. When he started to slowly run his hands through my hair I relaxed, more then I had in a while. I started leaning into his hand before I could stop myself, with every breath I felt myself falling asleep. 

I felt myself waking up as I was being shook, but I just turned and buried my head into my pillow. Or wait, this pillow smells like Connor. Shit. I turned to look up at Connor as he smiled looking down at me. 

He said,"your favorite scene is coming up, it's the lights" I quickly sat up, sitting close to Connor, brushing against his arm. A minute later I felt his arm wrap around my shoulder. It's not like he never does this, but not when we are just watching a movie. Nevertheless, I rested my head on his shoulder, getting ready for my favorite scene. 

I was surprised when Connor started humming the song as it started, even more when he started singing. I love his voice so much, he really doesn't believe it but he is an amazing singer. 

Towards the end of Rapunzels part he said," come on sing Flynns part, I know you know it" I said,"No, I don't sing, besides, you are more like Flynn anyway, with the hair" he laughed,"come on pleaseeeeee" 

I don't sing infront of anywone. I have hummed infront of Connor, or absentminded lay sang but not like this. But I knew he really wanted me to, and I can't say no to him. And so I sang. And my voice shook, and my anxiety peaked, ad my race turned bright red but his arm was around me, i saw him smile at me, and he joined in on the chorus, so maybe, it's okay. 

Towards the end it all cane crashing down on me. I felt myself start to shake, I don't sing. What was I thinking. He only had his arm around me because i didn't take my medication. Its all pity. Im making him uncomfortable, I made him watch this movie that he doesn't want to. And he will never love me and I know why, I'm such a burden to him and annoying him with my voice, why couldn't i have climbed higher and fell harder. Im worthless, i don't deserve him. Yet i kept signing, and it got quieter, and quieter, until the "now that I see you" line happened, and I looked at him, and he was already looking at me. And I tried to not fall apart or get lost in his eyes, or break down because I just sang infront of him and Im bad so now I seem like a fool. 

He half yelled,"what the fuck Evan, why arent you on broadway or a platinum album. What the fuck what the fuck your an amazing singer what the fuck" i had to smile at least a little at that, he is just a living embodiment of cute. I was still trembling pretty badly. I just said,"y-y-your'e the-the b-better s-singer" he laughed at that,"i wish, Evan, you have TALENT im not even joking " i just blushed and looked back at the TV. I dont know why singing has affected me so much, im not even crying, just shaking like hell. 

I distanced myself from Connor so he couldnt feel it. "im no dumbfuck Evan, I can tell you are shking, im sorry for pushing you." I said," No, no its fine, im over reacting" he shook his head, "no you arent, I promise, now get back over here, I was using that blanket for warmth" I shuffled over to him, curling discretely into his side as He wrapped the blanket around himself, then an arm around me. Would it cross boundaries to wrap my arms around his waist? would that give away my feelings? He could never love me anyway. 

I wormed my one arms around him, causing him to pull me closer. as we finished the movie mine and his phone started to buzz. "why are Jared, Alana and Zoe spamming the Snapchat groupchat?" he opened his phone and I buried my face in his shoulder because of the sudden light. 

I peeked at the snapchats only to see Zoe's vid she sent "Okay guys, theyre gonna kill me but I went home to get clothes for me and Alanas sleepover"---next snap---"And I peek into the home theatre and I see this"--- then there was a picture of us cuddling , then a picture of jared freaking out, then the video of me burrying my head into connor's shoulder, then of us seeing them. 

I looked over to the corner to see Zoe and Alana crouched, giggling. the next snapchat was of connor flipping them of, and then the next was Connor chasing zoe with me and Alana laughing in the backround. Alana just said to me," So, you two finally confessed?" I blushed,"n-n-no we were just watching a movie" she interjected,"And cuddling, besides its plain to see you both like eachother, the way you look at eachother, and the scene we just walked in on" 

I blushed even harder," I mean i-im not r-r-really sure like I-i-i Like hi-him but-but He doesnt l-like me so" Alana looked concerned," Evan are you okay? You are stuttering more than usual and are wearing a weighted blanket around your shoulders" I looked down," I um sorta f-f-forgot to take my medication"

I said this just as Zoe and Connor ran through, zoe stopped in her tracks almost screaming," Wait WHAT, are you okay, have you been lke this all day" alana said," are you crazy?! how do you just... forget, you could get so many anxiety attacks or break downs or-" they were both slowly closing in on me, I just stared at the ground, casting one look behind them at Connor. He had a face of furry. Now he is gonna yell at them and theyll all fight and itll be my fault and- "girls, do you really think its a good time to yell at Evan? You guys are gonna give him an anxiety attack with how you are acting. " 

He said it calmly, and he said it quietly,but it was effective.  He walked over to stand beside me, puting his arm around my shoulder so i could slightly lean into him. I mumbled," Im sorry guys, I almost never forget, it ws stupid of me" Zoe said," no im sorry, I really shouldnt have yelled at you, especially over this" Alana said," I also appologize for taking the snapchats, we only sent them to jared though" connor muttered," yeah, 'Only Jared" 

I smiled at that. it was quiet for a couple seconds till my stomach rumbled, and we all declared we wanted dinner. Turns out the murpheys happened to have a shitload of mac n' cheese, which we gladly ate. I enjoyed looking at jareds snapchat responses, some of the best being," This has made my heart pure", " wait why the fuck are they watching tangled" and "I feel very left out right now wtf guys". 

I almost spit out my mac and cheese laughing when I saw connor had posted "sister Evan" on his story. I looked really ugly in the picture, my hair was out of place, there were deep bags under my eyes, and I looked fat. Suddenly i wasnt that interested in chewing the mc and cheese in my mouth. 

As I leaned to analyze the picture closer Connor muttered, " dont worry Ev you look fine in that pic" I didnt even bother to look at him as I decided a couple more bites wouldnt hurt. I got a text from Zoe saying," When are you just gonna tell him. He likes you, heck, he's in love with you" I texted back, " I will ty to tonight" she said," You better" I got another snapchat on the gc from connor "Guys wanna hear a secret" they all sent "sure" he sent " Evan CAN SING"---"REALLY GOOD". 

It was my turn to chase him, he gigled and ran as I tried to keep up. I eventually tackled him down in the living room, suddenly feeling tired from running.  we both lied on the ground, with raspy breaths, as i rested my head on his back. eventually he got up, offering me his hand to help me up. then he said," You are a good singer though" I just blushed. We walked back into the kitchen and st down, I felt him wrap the familiar blanket around my shoulders and sit next to me.

Almost 30 minutes later both girls were heading out. Connor said, " we need to talk about what happened earlier at your house" I nodded and let him lead me back to the movie room. Does this mean i cab cuddle with him again? 

Push away the thoughts. 

I started shaking again. Connor had never had to handle me like this, no one has, i haven't even had to.   
-i never let them see the worst of me-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be doing daily (or more) updates, stay tuned, maybe drop another comment if you want Sunday's as a double update day?
> 
> Dw, there's gonna be some Connor POV soon


	5. Burden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The confession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very angst but OH WAIT THERES FLUFF  
> His may be shit I'm sorry if all the buildup to this was really shitty?? Its probs badly written, comment, lemme know what you think, this one could really use feedback!

Evan Pov

Through awkward eye contact and muttering, i ended up in his lap, leaning against his chest as he leant against the back of the recliner. As i snuggle more into him he cautiously, put on of his arms around my waist, letting it loosely fall around my waist, as a signal i moved closer to him, putting my hands on his. 

The more it wrapped around me the more  secure I felt. He put on some boring animal planet show for in the backround, stroking my hair. I said,"connor i-if you want me to be awake for this then i would stop with the hair" 

He said,"i just wanna make sure you are relaxed as you can be" i felt the vibrations in his chest as he said that and knew it would be no problem," i am relaxed right now, i may be shaking but this is as relaxed as im gonna get." 

He said," i just want to talk about stuff with you" i said, " o-okay" he said," why did you um, let go" i sighed," i didnt climb the tree with that intention. Um i-i i was in a very bad place at that time, worse th-than usual and i-i-in still getting out of it b-but i saw the world from u-up high and how i-id never be a apart of said world because i-im just s-s-so socially anxious and no one n-n-notices me anyway. I thought that I w-w-was so irrelevant that no one would n-n-notice if i fell and d-d-d-d-disappeared. And when i-i hit the ground I passes out. And i woke up and thought "d-d-damnit, you failed at everything and now f-f-failed at ending your suffering" and um i-i-i walked myself to the front desk after 15 minutes of just l-l-lying there, and p-p-p-passed out from pain" 

I started breathing heavily and i heard him say,"okay evan, breath in and out with me" in and out. "Okay can you speAk?" 

I nodded my head,"name five things you can see" i said," u-u-m my b-blanket, t-the t-v, t-the curtain, c-couches, the l-lights" he said,"okay good" he started stroking my hair with his free hand 

"name 4 things you can feel" i said,"the b-b-blanket, your a-a-arm around my w-waist, yo-your hand i-i-in my hair, t-the rise a-and f-fall of y-your c-chest" 

He said,"okay good, name 3 things you can hear" i said,"y-your v-voice, the-the nature documentary, u-u-um my-my own v-voice" 

He said," your okay you are good now 2 things you can smell" i felt myself calmjng down,"um p-popcorn, a-and your smell" i felt myself blushing. He said," and what is that?" I said," Tinted with axe but also like the beachy body wash we all tease you about" he objected,"i like the way it smells okay? I didnt didnt realize it was girls body wash"  

I giggled at that, he said,"is it over" I nodded. He said,"okay, evan. Just give me a second to come up with a response" I nodded. He wrapped his other arm around my waist and burried his head in my shoulder. 

Im such a fucking burden. I felt wet soak through my shirt. I grabbed his hand rubbing light circles on it. He barely ever cries. "Shhhhh connor, its okay, im okay, im alive, im gonna be alive" after a couple seconds consideration I turned my head to kiss the side of his head, leaving it there for a couple seconds before pulling away and leaning my head on his. 

He eventually lifted his head, eyes red. In a hoarse tone he said, " im sorry im such a mess over this just. Evan when i met you I was so fucking misrable. I relied om drugs to make me happy. Then we had to work on that project together. I remember trying to kill myself and thinking, "the only person who will miss me is Evan Hansen" and i remember you visiting me in the hospital everyday, because at that time all you had was me and Jared. And i remember when my parents visited and you were there, and you were so anxious about it, until they started scolding me, and telling me that if i had stopped drugs sooner i wouldnt be depressed. And you stood up to them, the first time you had ever stood up for anyone, and it opened their eyes. And now my family and I understand eachother, and Zoe and I are actually friends, and we have a actual friend group! And i remeber a month or two after my attempt you came into school with that broken arm, and Jared teased you, so you sat with me under the tree. And i-i made fun of you because i though you fell. And to know that you had just tried to kill yourself . At that point we were best friends. You had litteraly saved me from just attempting again and to think that I couldnt save you and that even now you still have depressive thoughts. I just,i could have lost you and then I surely would have died too. Because you cant see that you are not a waste of space, or time, or that you are NOT a burden, you are the single most important person in my life and everyone who knows the real you loves you, your mom, jared, alanna, zoe, my parents, me, you are just a frickin hilarious and adorable entity and you need to know that" 

I was stunned. I couldnt speak so i turned around throwing my arms around him. I built until i managed to squeak out," connor, i-i love you" his eyes went wide and his face heated up he reached out and cupped my cheek. 

He pressed his forehead against mine,"god  
I love you too ev" we both leaned in lips clashing roughly yet soon turning to a soft and passionate kiss. I intertwined my hands in his hair. 

We heard the front door open and close yet we didn't care, all that mattered was that moment, even after i felt the buzzing from snapchats most likely from Zoe we didn't care i just pulled him closer eventually though, we had to break apart. 

The first thing he said was," if you dont get the fuck outta here in 5 seconds your dead, this is crossing my levels of tolerance" he has gotten a lot better at controlling his anger, after he stopped smoking and started trying there was a lot more progress, but sometimes it got to be too much. 

Her and alana slowly got up, as zoe slowly counted to 5 , taking a picture. I mustered up the courage and said," please, fuck off zoe" we locked eyes and she nodded. I dont often curse. They left and i looked back at him. I went wide eyed, taking in everything that had happend in the past couple minutes. 

I felt a smile creep onto my face, as I leaned in to kiss him yet again. This kiss was calmer and more relaxed and loving, i sighed into it, this is what love feels like. I pulled away, he looked confused. 

I said,"connor, i stayed with you in the hostpital baecause even then i was falling for you. E-ever since we were assigned that project i got a huge crush on you, it didnt take me long to completely fall head over heals for you. Ive had to hide it for so long and i-i-i love you, and im sorry if thats way to sudden and like you only kissed me to comfort me or i---i- dont know." 

He just shook his head. He leaned in a kissed me again, in between kisses he pieced together,". Evan in fucking head over heals in love with you and have been since the hospital" we kept the kiss slow yet passionate and perfect. It was all i could have even dreamed of for our confession. 

After we pulled away i snuggled up to him. It was as if there were no restraints now. Our cuddling felt more natural, when he started playing with my hair i nuzzled his neck, kissing his cheek.

Like we were both meant to do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick addition: I want to honor all the brave people who aid this country and honor all the people who died in the tragedy that is the 9/11 terrorist attack. I personally wasn't alive when it happened but, my condolences out to their families, their memory will live on, have a wonderful and safe day!


	6. Adjusting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Legit just fluff, this is me trying to improve my style and see if y'all think it's better than the last chapters, so enjoy this extreme fluff

Soon Connor and I both got hungry, plus jeans are uncomfortable to cuddle in. So I got up to go change only to find that Connor forgot to pack a night shirt for me.

I yelled,"Connor , you forgot to pack me a shirt" 

His voice echoed from down the hall,"Just dont wear one" my face went bright red. A few seconds later, 

He said,"You can borrow one of mine, though I don't really own t-shirts, is a sweatshirt okay?

I replied,"Yeah thats fine, thanks" I'm still very anxious right now, but I calmed down from earlier. He brought me a sweatshirt, telling me to meet him in the kitchen. Of course it was a black sweatshirt, though the words "lavalette" were printed on it. It was big on me, considering conner is about 4 inches taller than me. 

It was warm, smelling like how he always does, surrounding my senses and flooding my body with butterflies, it was perfect. 

I put on my lounge pants, folding up my day clothes and leaving them in my backpack. I went downstairs to see Connor taking out ice cream. 

He gestured to them,"want some?" 

I smiled,"yeah sure, but just the uh c-chocolate" he smiled glancing up and down me then back to the ice cream, blushing. 

I jokingly said,"is the famous connor Murphy...blushing?!" 

He laughed,"oh shut up, you cursed today so I can blush if i wanna" 

I laughed,"I forgot I said that" 

He chuckled," I didnt know it was possible to calmly say fuck" 

I giggled,"honestly I'm looking forward to see Jareds reaction, your sister and him were the only ones that knew." We sat down at the counter, clicking on the snaps from zoe, it was sorta wierd to see me and connor making out. 

Then again it was great to relive that moment. Me and connor started cracking up as Jared sent snapchats of himself litterally crying saying,

"GET IT GURL GET IT " 

Zoe sent back a video,"its just it was so cute" 

Then Alana said,"EVAN SAID FUCK" 

jared typed,"NO WAy ,FIRST I MISS EVAN SING, THEN THEM CUDDLING, THEN THEM FINALLY CONFESSING THEIR UNDYING LOVE FOR EACHOTHER AND NOW THIS" 

My stomach physically hurt from laughing so hard. I continued to eat my icecream as there was a constant flow of snaps. Jared texted my privately asking for all the details . I felt Connor scoot closer to me and sneakily kiss my cheek. I still wasnt used to it so my eyes sorta went wide with shock till I realized that it was the new normal. 

He started cracking up, and showed me a picture of him kissing my cheek, with me freqking out. He started laughing so hard he chocked. I said,"i-in my defense im just not used to it yet" he smiled. I put my hands in my sweatshirt pockets, only to find wrappers. 

I lightly threw one at him saying," you gotta clean out your sweatshirts Con" 

He looked at me , looking at his sweatshirt and muttered ,"shut up" blushing, yet again. 

I giggled,"why are you so embarrassed about me wearing you sweatshirt, I can put on my-my day shirt if y-you want" 

He frantically shook his head," nonono I'm not embarrassed but like, you're wearing my sweatshirt for the first time and you look really good in black and I've literally never found you more physically attractive, I mean your always fuckin beautiful but this just gets me flustered by how good you look. I know im sorry its probably weird to call you beautiful but it just-"   I cut him off with a kiss. 

When we pulled away he just grinned,"im still not used to that oh my god" he went back to eating his ice cream but I felt myself focusing on him more than my ice cream. 

He looked at me out of the corner of his eye and said,"take a picture, it' ll last longer" my face heated up and I turned back to my ice cream nudged him alittle. I know that when tomorow comes I will be catious. I am never too touchy with people, the amount i had been doing today of physical contact was almost overwhelming. Im so emotional right now that I can't muster up the reasons to care. Im going to need to get used to touch with him. I cant deal with too much right now, though its probably what I need. I felt anxiety flooding through me, at this rate im going to give myself a panic attack. I just feel overwhelmed, im overjoyed that we have each other now but the amount of physical contact we've had while I'm off the pill and now im just worried hed do it all out of pity.

I realized I had zoned out and now my ice cream had basically melted. I hadnt been hungry anyway. I had a few more bites before throwing it away I felt very guarded, my shoulders were hunched and my hands had retreated behind the sleeves of connors sweatshit. Im scared. Scared of getting too attached because then Connor would have to deal with me even more. What if this ruined our friendship. I feel extremely exposed. I know I should just ask to cuddle with him, as im sure he would say yes.

I know that cuddling is a way to relieve stress and anxiety, also, I love him and its just nice to finally be able to be with him. We decided to watch another movie, Jurassic World. He sat at the side of the couch that extended out, leaving me anywhere to sit. Im so glad to have him, he could tell I was cautious about this, he could see my internal struggle. I sat about a foot away from him, still wanting to cuddle yet scared out of my mind. We were both still sharing the peninsula part of the couch, with the blanket wrapped around us. 

I want to cuddle, I want to be as close to him as possible, I want to fell his chest rise and the vibations when he laughes, i want to feel his hair brush up against me. So why dont I go for it. I started by slightly leaning into him. He mirrored this action, putting his arm around me, I took that as a cue and moved closer, fitting into his side. Over time I his legs drifted apart, leaving a space for me. 

Would that be too intimate? I mean last time was the same except I was in his lap, not between his legs. Is that exceptable for me to do now? What if he doesnt want to. I realized I had spaced out for about five minutes and looked around to see the movie was paused and Connor was looking at me concerned. I just sorta blinked and shook my head, snappingn out of my daze and looked up at him. 

He held a worried expression," Evan are you good? You keep zoning out, im sorry, its probably a lot for you to handle because like you are off your meds and we both confessed and thats a big weight off your shoulders yet its sorta overwhelming I mean I feel overwhelmed and I know you arent really a touchy person and neighther am I but like I dont feel that with you cuz I feel like we have been deprived of each other for so long, if that makes any sense and I just wanna fucking cuddle you to death but like Im catious and I dont wanna fuck this up" i smiled, " no C-Connor, dont worry im not too overwhelmed, its a g-good feeling. But yeah I-I sorta got lost in the same t-t-thoughts you were, I really dont wanna make you un-uncomfortable or anything and didnt know what would be acceptable to um d-do"  

I nervously played with the edge of my sweatshirt, his eyes flicked to my hand then followed back up to my face, blushing yet again. 

He muttered," god damnit why is that sweatshirt getting me so flustered" he covered his cheeks with his hands, trying to stop himeself. I felt myself laughing a little, because while he liked me in his sweatshirt, I had the same reaction to him blushing. I lifted his chin to look at me, before pressing my lips onto his.   

He seemed surprised for a second, before he started kissing me back. It was a wierd angle to kiss at so I moved into the spot bewteen his legs. I felt his hands rest on my hips, and I was in bliss. Soon the kiss winded down,we were both breathless.

He flushed, a slight smile falling on his face," I think we should uh conti-nue the movie" I nodded my head, feeling heat rise to my cheeks. I turned from facing towards him to face the screen, nestling in between his legs, I leaned on his chest in a way that allowd him to rest his head on mine, I felt him press a kiss to the back of my head, and I took this as a signal, burrowing as far into him as I could , feeling him rest his chin over my head, reaching for the remote and turning the movie back on. 

He rested his hands on his legs, being cautious of my boundaries. 10 minutes later I got fidgety and started playing with his fingers slightly, just like fidgeting with them. He didnt seem to mind. I felt a strong want for more closeness, so I slightly grabbed his hand, pulling it closer to me. I held his hand for a little before I felt him try to intertwine our fingers. He gladly obliged. I felt little butterflies when he did this. I wanted to hold his hand yet I wanted his arms around my waist. Eventually it got to a more intense part and I thought that he wouldnt mind, so I pushed against his chest, unlacing our fingers and moving my arms to  be on the outside. He took the cue and I felt his arms wrap around me. 

I smiled and put my hands back, deciding to rest them on his thighs. 

At one seen he joked,"hey look at them trees, pretty sexy am i right" 

I nudged him,"for the last time, I am not attracted to trees" he laughed and I felt it, sendjng shivers down my spine. I felt my eyes flutter closed and my mind shutting down, and honestly, I have no objections.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment please! Thank you for all the recent comments <3


	7. (Not a chapter)

Sorry I didn't publish a chapter today, I have a lot going on. I have sooo much schoolwork but I also need to go to a partial outpatient program at a mental health clinic to treat my anxiety and depression. I have that Mondays, Wensdays, and Thursdays so I may not be able to publish those days. Sorry for getting lazy today, I'll use my free mod and lunch period tommorow + before school time to edit 2 chapters for the next 2 days. Sorry if the update schedual breaks like this now and then!


	8. Truce

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Triggers:  
> Past self harm  
> Panic attack  
> Self harm mention  
> Intense self hate

I felt myself waking up, I felt Connor's arms around my waist and I turned my head, burying it in the crook of connor's neck. 

"Look who's awake,” He whispered, “Don't worry, it's only been like an hour and a half." He pressed a kiss to my head. 

I heard the tv still playing so I mumbled, "What're you watching" 

He giggled, "Evan, I can't hear you when you are speaking into my shoulder." His giggle was about the most precious thing I have ever witnessed.

"What're we watching" I still felt a little delirious from sleeping.

He laughed a little, "I had been meaning to start american horror story, nothing scary has happened so far but I know you don't like horror so I can change it if you want."

 

I shook my head,"No, I heard its more disturbing than scary, I’ll tell you if we need to turn it off" 

 

He explained to me, "So basically this family just moved into a house where a bunch of people were murdered, all the people murdered there remain in the house"

"Wait isn't this the show with Evan Peters in it?" I asked.

He nodded his head, "It's just a bonus that he is in it, though I prefer a different Evan." I couldn't see him but he definitely winked. I nudged him, blushing.

I remember the time we both told eachother that we were gay, from then on we would sometimes point out cute guys if we saw them, and now I know why we never went for them. I turned back around, trying to cuddle up close to him because he was warm. I felt one of his arms leave my waist and whined a little. He laughed at this and I felt him run his hand through my hair. I swear this is just adding to the whole ‘cat’ factor. I felt myself fully lean into him, falling apart at his touch. He moved his hand to intertwine with one of mine and brought it back to my waist. God i'm so in love with him.

-how do you say, I love you-

I continued to watch the show, it was pretty dark, though there was nothing him or I were uncomfortable with. Well that was until this girl Violet came into the scene. The scene at school with the bullies was all too familiar to Connor. I tried to show support by rubbing his hand, placing a hand in his thigh. We may be better than we used to but we are still damaged. We still get triggers. We still aren't as happy as we should be, we are damaged teens trying to make it through life. We still get panic attacks. We are still are unstable. We still hate ourselves at times. The next scene showed her getting home from school. I knew what was going to happen. Quickly, I move from my position and squeezing next to him. He leaned heavily into me, as I put my arm around him and he wrapped his arms around my waist, burying his head in my chest. I ran my hands through his hair, it's so soft. When she brought the razor out we both started breathing hard, however he started shaking. 

I remember when I found him cutting, and I remember his whole arm being just scars. And I remember telling him to stop. And I remember when he actually listened. And i remember a couple months ago when he told me that he hadn't cut and hadn't smoked since last year. And I was so proud and now he's in my arms shaking. I paused the tv, doing all I could to try and comfort him.

I pulled him close to me and whispered, "Shhh Con, it's okay. You are better. We are better. Those days are over. How about we don't watch this and just go do something else? Would that be good?" 

He nodded and snuggled closer to me. He moved his head up to me, blushing, and mumbled, "Can you just sing a little for me? like anything, I don't care what it is...You don't have to if you don't want to though."

How can I say no to him? There are so many songs I could sing. He really likes Twenty One Pilots... Do they have any non rap songs? Truce, his favorite song, I had to think of the lyrics for a second 

Now, the night is coming to an end,  
Oh

The sun will rise, and we will try again.  
Oh

Stay alive, stay alive, for me.  
You will die, but now your life is free,

Take pride  
In what is sure to die.

I will fear the night again,  
Oh

I hope I'm not my only friend.  
Oh

Stay alive, stay alive, for me.  
You will die, but now your life is free,

Take pride  
In what is sure to die.

He looked up at me like he was about to start crying. He leaned up and softly kissed me, quickly pulling away and kissing my cheek and down my neck, which gave me what felt like hordes of butterflies attacking me. when he reached the crook of my neck he buried his head in there, seemingly content. I wrapped my arms around him. 

He said, "That's one of my favorite songs ya know."

"Y-Yeah we’re always listening to it." I felt him smile. I decided bravely mutter, "I love you."

Almost immediately, he replied, "I love you too."

Frick, this boy really has my heart, and I guess I have his

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!  
> Thank you for reading! And a special thanks to my beta reader @high_functioning_fangirl  
> Drop a comment!


	9. Blackout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger:  
> Panic attack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pls comment

The next time I woke up was when I felt myself being picked up.

Next to me was a slightly warm spot where Connor had been. I felt an arm loop around my legs and underarms, picking me up bridal style. I muttered something incomprehensible, snuggle up to Connor as he carried me to who knows where. 

He whispered, "It's 4:00, I woke up and didn't want us sleeping on that couch.” He held me close to his chest, carrying me up their stairs and to his room. Usually we would set up the futon for me to sleep on but I had a feeling that now we would just be both sleeping in his bed, it can fit us both, it's a queen. He put me down on the bed, kissing my head and saying something about brushing his teeth. 

Now I was awake, so I took out my phone, the only social media I have is Instagram, which is really just pictures of trees, Snapchat, and Tumblr. Jared had texted me many times, it surprised me how big brother-ish he had gotten. Zoe texted me saying that we would need to talk in the morning.

I scrolled through Tumblr. Then I checked Snapchat, seeing that they had all been talking while I was asleep. I heard Connor walking back down the hallway, humming Truce. He sat down on the bed, unzipping his jacket so he was in just a T-shirt. I saw his arms and immediately wanted to throw up. 

Flashbacks were happening, and they were not good. I moved so I could sit next to him. He looked confused until I intertwined my hand with his bringing his hand near my face. I looked up and him and kissed his wrist. It had been a draining night for the both of us. I let go of his hand. 

I stuttered out, "Um are we... Where are.... What are t-the sleeping a-arrangements?" 

He said, "I guess we can share the bed, if that's okay with you?" 

I blushed, "Yeah it is. I mean um, definitely yeah." I crawled back under the covers as he crawled in on the other side. 

We layed there for a little, close but not touching, before he said, "Can I turn off the light?" 

I muttered, "Y-yeah sure." 

His shamefully whispered, "I'm probably going to uhm wake you up in the middle of the night, so I'm sorry."

I Said, "It's okay, it always is." He smiled and turned them off, plunging the room into near pitch black. Right. His nightmares that he faces every night. God, can't the world at least give him sleep. I shifted over in the bed towards him. He moved towards me and I felt him move onto his side. I mimicked him, pressing closer till he was spooning me. He wrapped an arm around my waist, and another around my chest, fitting his head in to onto mine. I still remained a couple inches away from him, but that was enough. 

He whispered, "I love you."

I smiled and said, "I love you too." Before drifting off into the happiest sleep I've had in awhile. 

 

When I woke up, the sun had just come up. I woke up warm and content, and it was because of Connor. Connor, who had not had any nightmares. Connor, who hadn't let go of me all night. He wasn't spooning me anymore but we were on our backs, my head resting on his chest. I turned to look at him, only to find his face was only an inch or two away. 

He was sleeping soundly, with a slight smile on his face. I pressed more into him, but who wouldn't? I shouldn't get to attached. What if i'm already too clingy? What if he decides that he just wants to be friends? What will the people at school think? I want this more. I want to be able to cuddle with the only person besides my mom that I am comfortable even hugging for more than 5 seconds. I want to be able to say ‘I love you.’ I want to be able to cuddle him and make him feel better when he is having a bad day. I want to be able to kiss him and hold his hand and I don't want that to be ruined. I looked back up at him, maybe I should just go back to sleep. 

I got into a more comfortable position, laying on his chest. I could feel his breaths and hear his heartbeat. I was lulled to sleep. 

 

I woke up to loud noise from downstairs. Connor was still asleep, I looked up at him, goofily smiling just because he finally knew.

A minute or two later he stirred, pulling me close. I pressed a quick kiss to his lips because that's what I see in movies, and I guess it's cute. He smiled. 

He whispered,"Morning." It was still in that morning voice that was just really attractive. 

I whispered, "Hey." 

He said, "Have you been up long?" 

I shook my head, "I woke up a little earlier but I just woke up." His eyes finally fluttered open. I locked into the beautiful blue eyes, the color of a tropical ocean almost. The color of the sky. At this point we had locked eyes for maybe a minute. Eventually I snapped out of it, hearing more noise downstairs. I buried my head in the crook of his neck, trying to block it out. I felt him reach up to play with my hair. I pressed soft kisses all over his face and neck. 

Turned his head towards me, and pulled me into a kiss. When we pulled apart I couldn't help but smile. 

-Feels like we could go on for forever-

 

After a couple minutes he said, "Ya know, we should probably get up, see what the fucking racket is downstairs."

I nodded while slowly sitting up, throwing my legs over the side of his bed. I checked my phone to see only a couple notifications. I felt him sit up next to me, pressing into my side. I leaned my head on his shoulder. His hair was puffy and tickled my neck, he got up and grabbed a hair tie, putting his hair up in a bun. I felt myself blushing, he just looked so damn attractive. He looked over at me, motioning towards the door. 

He said, "Oh wait, I gotta get a sweatshirt." He pulled a New York City sweatshirt over his head. He grabbed my hand and lead me downstairs. He peeked into the kitchen and looked startled. Who was it? I can't handle too much social interaction right now. We walked into the kitchen, and I saw Zoe and Alana making pancakes and bacon? I looked over at connor, confused, he shrugged.

He said, "What're you guys doing here?" Zoe and Alana stopped their banter and looked guilty.

Zoe said, "Well, we felt guilty for what we did yesterday." Alana said, "Yeah, we are sorry."

Connor said, "Well, I mean if you ever do that again you are dead but, apology accepted, I guess"

The three of them looked at me and I nodded, doing my best to smile.

I felt guilt pool in my stomach, "Oh Zoe, Alana, i'm sorry for ugh what I said yesterday." They both looked really confused, but Connor just held tighter onto my hand.

I stuttered, "Um yesterday… I-I-I told you two to f off, I'm s-sorry." They all looked completely confused before laughing. My face went red. Had this all been a prank on me? Everything? Had they just wanted me to feel like I had friends this whole time, and ended the prank with making me think someone loves me?

I slowly slipped my hand out of Connor's feeling myself zoning out, brain being surrounded by fuzziness. I started hyperventilating, vision blurring as I felt myself become even more panicked. 

Voices bombarded my thought, all the times they've acted nice to me was fake. All the times they've helped me was fake. 

When Connor said he loved me, he lied. I felt myself panic until I passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Currently updating in the gym locker room like a pro
> 
> Thanks to @dearevanhansenfansen for beta reading this chapter


	10. Reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mainly fluff with a little angst, im so sorry for the long break!!!! Leave a comment!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn’t proofread well cuz whoops I just wanted to put out something
> 
> Triggers:  
> Mention of eating disorder  
> (In this Evan has a minor eating disorder but is in denial, his opinions on what classifies something as a eating disorder are not mine)

I woke up thrashing and screaming. "THIS WHOLE TIME THEY-" I cut myself off, panic still filled me. My ears were ringing and I heard voices scream whispering.

"Talk to him" 

"No im giving him time to wake up"

"Google says we were right to not wake him up"

"Zoe go in the theater and get the weighted blanket"

"Why dont you go get it if your fucking deciding to handle the situation" 

"Because im fucking busy right now, and stop fucking yelling, we get you are on your period but I mean you are gonna get him even more panicked"

"Can you two not bicker for once, evan just fainted for gods sake"

"Here" I started to gain more feeling and felt myself slowly calming down. I felt the weighted blanket carefully wrap around me. I was slowly pulled up against something no, someone's chest. Two arms wrapped around my waist, and I’m guessing it’s Connor. 

I heard Zoe say," Evan? Can you hear us? Drink some water or something, please?”

I slowly opened my eyes, seeing I was on the floor, Zoe and Alana sitting infront of me. Zoe had an arm outstretched, holding a glass of water. I reached out my hand to grab it, but my hand shook so badly the water started spilling. An arm left my waist and covered my hand, leading the cup to my mouth. With every sip memories flooded back. 

My eyes became downcast. I put the cup down and Connor intertwined our fingers. I noticed he was breathing heavy too. 

Alana gently asked," Evan, what.. happened?" 

I grimaced,"When you guys started laughing I-I realized this whole thing was a joke and that ugh ou guys only became friends with me to m-mess with me and making me fall in love with Connor was the last step...I um.. I dont think im ready to talk too much yet" 

Connor pulled me fully into him. Zoe and Alana looked at eachother. 

Alana said," Evan, I can assure you none of that is true, you have been off your medication for a whole 24 hours, I would imagine that now it is completely out of your system, you anxiety will be much worse. We were not laughing at you, you apologized for cursing when it was hilarious that you actually cursed in the first place, and also adorable because the reasons you were cursing." 

Zoe interrupted,"We laughed because you didnt have to apologize. " 

I looked down, embarrassed, I freaked out over nothing. 

Zoe muttered," We should probably eat, and don't worry, we just need to get you your medication again, so nothing else happens." They both got up, returning to the kitchen.

Connor had been strangely silent.

I said,"Con?" 

He jolted a little,"Oh sorry I uhm got lost in thought" 

I said," sorry if I scared y-you"   
He shook his head,"Its just I care about you so much and I um i sorta freaked out? I uhm looked at you and your eyes rolled back into your head. So we ya know, brought you to the living room and you thrashed screaming and it uhm I sorta had my first panic attack in a while?" He never has panic attacks anymore? And I caused this. 

Damnit, I cant wait till I get my medication back. 

Connor muttered,"and I do love you, none of its fake or lies" 

I relaxed,” I love you too" He pressed a kiss on the back of my head, trailing down to my neck. I squeezed his hand as a warning to not do too much of anything with the girls in the other room. He just peppered tiny kisses on me. I tried to not make any noise because what if he found it wierd? Just when I thought I was safe he gave a tiny little love nip to my ear. I breathed in sharply, and he chuckled.

I felt his warm breath on my neck. I quickly felt myself unraveling in his arms, putting almost my feull wieght on him. I put my hand on one of the arms wrapped around me, gently rubbing circles on his forearm. I knew his forearm was a sensitive place, the fact that he didnt pull away was what made this even more special. We both slowly un-tensed. I felt him drift off, I quickly followed suit. 

It hadn't been long that I was asleep, maybe 10 minutes, when I felt someone shaking me. I whined, pressing close to Connor.

I heard Zoe say," come on Connor, get the mush awake and come to eat" I started to sit up, turning to face connor. I cupped his cheeks and pulled him towards me, intending for it to be a quick kiss. It wasnt. Only when Zoe hollered again did we break apart. He wrapped the blanket around me, following me back to the kitchen. 

I ate 3 pancakes and felt like I would burst. I have been asked before and no I dont have an eating disorder, I don't make myself throw up anymore and I don't regularly starve myself just very self conscious, and I watch what I eat, plus I just never have an appetite. Sometimes I eat just so I dont worry people, im a pretty small person and I dont really do any sports so I dont need to eat too much. 

Meanwhile connor scarfed down 8 pancakes to maintain his tall build and fast metabolism. We all sat around the table, having spaced out conversations while we were on our phones. I didnt talk at all really, not ready to speak again after my breakdown. 

I got a call from my mom, saying she had the new medication, and I should come take some, because ,"If you ever didnt use that medication, god knows what would happen" I told her I would pick it up in an hour or two. After she hung up I realizd that me and Connor are gonna have to tell our parents. 

Im worried about Mr. Murphys reaction. I started bouncing my leg, trying to work out the details. I felt connor put his hand on my knee, causing me to snap out of the thoughts i had fallen into. I put my hand on his and intertwind our fingers, trying not to blush. Zoe and Alana had the idea to bake cupcakes. 

I said," Isn't it a little early to be baking?" then I realized it was around 11:00. While they baked connor and I decided to go get me medication. I dont drive because it always causes my anxiety to get messed up.

We sat in comfortable science until I said,"So um connor do you have a-any idea h-how we are gonna t-tell our parents?" He had a thoughtful expression on. 

He sorta laughed," Evan I think your mom knows, she always gives me these looks that just scream,'I know the way you look at him and it isnt friendly' she is definitely onto us, or me atleast."

I said,"Well considering up until know both of us didnt realize is the reason others may not have" 

Connor frowned," The only problem will be my dad, not even that he may not accept us, I already told him I was gay, but that he may not leave us alone as much." 

I said,"We always have my house" 

Connor said,"yeah, thats true" As we got out of the car and walked up to the porch we continued our conversation.

I said," I dont know how long we can hide this Con, I mean, we hid it from eachother for so long, its gonna be ten times harder to hide it from the parents" just as we reached the front door I said," We are gonna have to tell them eventually" 

Just as he said that I heard from inside the house,"Tell who what?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay safe!!! 
> 
> I’d love a comment 


	11. Only Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Self harm mention, Eating Disorders, ??bad cursing??
> 
>  
> 
> Sorry guys! I’m back, I’ve been having a bit of a tough time since Im in my first year of highschool and stuff is goin down, I’ll try to update once a week as a Christmas (or Hanukkah) gift!

From my house we made our way to food town. I waited in the car for maybe 10 minutes before he got back, pressing a kiss to my cheek and driving back to his house. 

When we were 3 minutes from Connor's house he joked," So...your ears?" .

I rolled my eyes before shooting back,"don’t even go there, with you and your thing for me singing" His face turned bright red.

He said,"Ev, seriously like your like an amazing singer and you just were so fucking good". I blushed, shrugging. We pulled into the driveway, both making sure that our hickeys were not visible. We stepped into the house to hear music blasting. 

Zoe walked up to us looking semi mad. She grudging took the bags yelling into the kitchen,"The lovebirds are back" 

Connor rolled his eyes, reaching for my hand. I intertwined my hand with his and walked into the kitchen, sitting down at the counter. The house was filled with music that I assumed was from a Broadway show. 

Connor leaned over and whispered,"It’s from kinky boots, Alana loves that show" I nodded. After maybe 4 more minutes a new song came on. I could barely hide my blush/laugh when I realized it was Dead Girl Walking. I looked at Connor as he slowly realized what song it was, color draining from his face before flooding back in. I tried to stop laughing, in reality, I should be more embarrassed than finding this funny. I hummed along.

At the ,"You know you know you know, it's cuz you're beautiful" part I lightly sang to him. He grinned at me. I continued to lock eyes with him as the song continued, having a silent conversation. All of a sudden I heard a loud clap right next to my ear, causing connor and I to snap out of it. Zoe laughed, walking to get a plate. Connor half heartedly flipped her off. 

I shifted so I could slightly lean against him, feeling him put an arm around me. We helped decorate the cupcakes, which took maybe 20 minutes. The four of us decided to play apples to apples (because Jared was the only one of us who owns cards against humanity). 

By the time it was 4:00 we only had an hour till the parents all came. Frantically, we rushed to clean the house. Connor changed into jeans and a long sleeved shirt, while I made his bed. We both decided to tell the parents at the end of the night. Usually, Jared, Alana, and I will end up sleeping over here. Connor and I decided to play video games and make it at least not too obvious for his parents, though I did sit as close to him as possible. Once Mr. and Mrs. Murphy got home, the other parents soon arrived.

Luckily, we stopped cuddling before they got home. I just realized now how much we would always be touching. Like whenever we were near each other we would just have our shoulders brushing or our feet hitting each other's. I guess that was our normal because now I just craved his touch at every second. 

Soon all five kids were upstairs in the "media room" playing Mario cart and going on our phones. For maybe 10 minutes Jared had ranted about how he was upset he wasn't invited to the Murphy house earlier. Then he pleaded for me to curse until he finally gave up, turning to playing Connor in some shooting game that I didn't really like. I went to the table in the corner, chatting with the girls. I could see Connor and Jared whispering back and forth during their game, both had their eyes glued to the screen but Jared looked like he was lecturing Connor. 

Connor had an amused glint in his eyes. He glanced up at me and gave an amused smile and eye roll. I covered up my grin, hearing Jared scold,"are you even paying attention?" He quickly winked at me, then turned to look back at Jared, rolling his eyes. I felt myself lightly blush, turning back to the girls. They were talking about some show called Greys Anatomy that I remember had a lot of blood and graphics. I contributed to the conversation when I could, saying things like,"oh that's terrible" and,"This does not depict an actual hospital… I hope" I don't get that show. 

A little later I felt Connor walk up to the table, sitting down next to me I reached for his hand, lacing our fingers together. We all sat at that table, listening to music and chatting about the drama that happened at the pep rally. I lightly rubbed circles into the back of Connor's hand, appreciating how calm he looked. His features looked soft, slight smile on his lips, hair slightly in his eyes. The striking blue pools with that little patch of caramel. I noticed how his lips slightly parted and his face changed ever so slightly throughout the conversation.

I quickly looked away. Is that what I always do? How had Connor not realized? I was probably so obvious. I felt him run his thumb over my knuckles, as he subtly moved closer to me. 

Dinner flew by as Connor and I tried to act normal. It was quite good, we had a variety of foods including chicken, salad, and potatoes. After dinner the kids migrated to the in home movie theatre. Jared flopped down on the couch, claiming it. Zoe and Alana sat on the loveseat, leaving connor and I the slightly small reclining chair. I sat down it the recliner, seeing Jared grin at me, purposefully having taken the couch. 

Connor went over to help choose the movie, eventually we all settled on Suicide Squad, in which Jared bitched about because,"Marvel is soooooo much better". To that Connor scoffed and they started bickering like always. Once the movie was starting Connor sat down next to me, the recliner could barely fit both of us. He slung an arm around me and I snaked my arm around his waist, leaning a head on his shoulder. The parents don't usually disturb us when watching movies. It was a pretty good movie, and we were only a couple minutes in. The recliner suddenly started to recline slightly, which startled me. Connor made it so that we could put our feet out. I gladly did, entangling my legs with his. It was really cold in the theatre, I looked to see Alana Zoe and Jared all wrapped up in blankets. 

I said," Yo can one of you pass over an extra blanket".

I saw Zoe look around,"There are none"

Jared said,"You two don't get any pity for being cold anymore, you can just share body heat whenever you want" I felt a slight blush rise to my cheeks. They all focused back on the movie except for Con and I. I was shivering, partially because I was wearing short sleeves. I felt Connor unwrap his arm from around me, and I suddenly felt much colder.

He sat up, walking off to another room, whispering,"Be right back". The others just nodded, while I was left to shiver, I moved over to the spot where connor had just been, trying to capture his warmth. Soon enough the walked back in, carrying a blanket and wearing a sweatshirt. He sat down farther away from me, handing me a sweatshirt as well. I gladly accepted it, taking in the scent, it was baggy on my me, almost like I could drown in the fabric. I felt myself being lightly pulled over to him. He lifted me in between his legs, as quietly as possible, before putting the recliner back yet again.

I felt him pull my weighted blanket on top of us and I once again felt warm. And it wasn't like a day at the beach or after a run. It was like the warmth that shines on my face whenever we visit the orchard, it was the feeling that you get around Christmas, all warm and cozy and fuzzy. I felt him put his arms on my hips, but not around my waist. 

He whispered,"can I?" I nodded, pressing closer. Once his arms were around me I felt him relax completely. One of his arms rested on my thigh and went around my lower torso. The slight contact with my thigh made me self conscious. That's where I had self harmed last year, since guys never really show their thighs I knew it would be okay to harm there. Connor knew they were there yet never saw them, and though not as bad as Connors scaring, there were still a lot. I moved one of my hands to move his up.

He quickly retracted the hand so it could wrap around my actual waist.

His breath hitched, as quiet as he could he whispered," Are you sure you are eating enough?" 

I nodded,"I really do try to, I'm just a little self conscious ." He shook his head. 

Resting his head on my shoulder he. muttered, "You're beautiful" 

I joked,"Hey, you're not too bad yourself". He lightly laughed, nuzzling my neck. I lightly rubbed his forearm with my thumb, which by now I learned that he relaxed totally when I did this. I felt us recline even more, so we were almost lying down, but not quite. His breath felt warm against my skin, and I felt him drifting off. I knew he was asleep once his breaths evened out. I felt like I could just sink into him, getting lost in our own little world of warmth and serenity.

I was surrounded by just Connor. Connors warmth, his scent, his arms, just- him.We were only about an hour into the movie and I was fading fast as well, slowly falling into our world, which was about to be intruded on more than we had hoped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t yell at me, imma update more I promise!


	12. The Bet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter that’s building up to more. Its from Zoe’s POV and I suck at writing in her POV so warning

Zoey POV  
We had just finished the movie, which was okay at best. Jared seemed to enjoy it a lot and so did Alana. I wonder if Connor and Evan liked it? I looked across the room to see a bundle of blankets and fabric. 

Evan was lying in between Connor's legs, and Connor wrapped his arms around Evans waist, and had his head resting atop Evans. Wow. I haven't seen Connor sleep in a while. He gets maybe 3 or four hours of sleep a night. A while ago he started stealing my concealer to cover up bags, so it was weird to see him so at peace. 

The same thing was with Evan sleeping, We all see Evan sleep a lot on movie nights. He can only sleep when he is next to Connor and we all find it adorable. Usually during movie nights they'd have to deal with the tension, and just stick to leaning a head on the others shoulder. Case in point, the picture in front of me was adorable. 

Jared looked over at them,"I thought they were gonna tell the parents tonight".

Alana said,"but are we gonna wake them up?" 

I shook my head,"why don't we just tell the parents".

Jared grinned,"or show them"  
I mean, it is a valid idea, and it takes the pressure off of them. After much debate,we were headed to tell the parents. I swear if Larry doesn't support them-Well, he has changed his ways, he even joined in on the bet. Speaking of the bet, I think mom won.

I stopped,”guys wait, let’s tell them by giving my mom the money”

Jared snickered, reaching into his pocket and pulling out ten dollars,"I came prepared" by this time it was evident they would all be at least a little tipsy, making things much easier. The three of us all walked into the kitchen, placing the money in front of my mom. I looked expectantly at the others. 

Heidi automatically handed her 10 dollars as well, saying,"She won the bet" suddenly they all perked up.

Alana said,"They were gonna tell you tonight but we decided to do it for them" suddenly my mom looked suspicious. 

She scolded,"Now Zoe this isn't funny to trick us like that" 

I said,"But mom" 

She interrupted,"I'm not believing it until I hear or see it for myself". The three of us grinned at each other, and Jared motioned," follow me ladies and gentlemen." The ten of us all walked through the house.

I said," be quiet though, we don't wanna spook them" Mr. and Mrs. beck decided to hang back, scared of over crowding or overwhelming them. My mom and Heidi walked in first.

I heard my mom go,"I see no proof of anything" I realized that they probably couldn't see Evan, as he blended into Connor and the chair. 

Larry said,"But Connor is...sleeping? I haven't seen him this calm, since he used to get high. Though I mean, he does always seem calm around Evan but where is Evan"

Jared grinned and loudly whispered,"Evan" 

Alana elbowed him,"You'll wake them up stupid". This caused the form of Evan to stir within Connor's arms, revealing his head from where it was buried in Connor's chest. We all held our breaths, worried we had waken them up. 

Evan just nuzzled Connor's neck, falling still yet again. A couples awes chorused and I heard my mom sniffling. She reached over and hugged Heidi, whispering something to her. Through all the commotion I heard connor stir. He held tighter into Evan and sighed.

His eyes opened slightly, and he only saw Jared me and Alana. He flipped us off, before seeing my mom. She pulled away from Heidi and whispered,"Connor Michael Murphy, language" His face was bright red, I had never seen him so mad. Wait no- it wasn't anger, he was blushing because he was embarrassed. 

Holy shit this worked out better than expected. She said,"I’m taking a picture of this oh my god you guys are so cute". His eyes went wide and he shook his head, attempting to not stir Evan. He still managed to stir Evan, who, in the normal Evan fashion, turned and wrapped his arms around Connors waist, burying his head into Connor's chest. This distracted Connor, and he looked down at Evan, a slight smile falling in his face before he realized this had given mom a perfect opportunity to take the picture. I saw Evan crack an eye open and see us. Shit. He jumped up so fast that he fell to the ground. 

He groaned, shaking slightly. Connor was down on the ground next to him checking if he was okay a second later. Evan laughed it off, standing up slightly shaking, and brushing himself off. 

Connor shot me a glare,"well are you guys done terrorizing us?" 

My mom said," Awwe come on Connor, we were just making sure that I won the bet." He rolled his eyes, Evan stood next to him, nearly drowning in one of Connor's sweatshirts. Connor reached for his hand to rest on the small of Evans back, and Evan leaned into him slightly, trying to resist the urge. 

Larry awkwardly coughed," so um... you two are together?" Connor nodded. 

Shit I didn’t think about that...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I have time for two updates this week so stay tuned! Also, follow me on the tumbles @juuuliaw or my Instagram fan account @sun.burns.bright or even Twitter @juuuliaw09


	13. Sorry it’s short

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oops it’s short

We all anxiously stood waiting for a response, knowing that the mood for the rest of the night depended on this moment.

Dad said,"That's um good, you two." Him and Connor made eye contact. Con got a little teary eyed before briskly walking over to dad, hugging him. 

Larry looked surprised before responding to the hug. It only lasted a few seconds but I could tell that it was major progress. I looked over and Evan was grinning like crazy. 

He wasn't fidgeting too much and was only slightly hunched. This was rare for him but it shows how relaxed he is. 

Mom lightly patted Connors shoulder before motioning for us to leave. I guess we should give them some space. I practically had to drag Jared out of the room. 

The last thing I saw was Connor flipping me off, before I went straight back to the kitchen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need advice cuz I have a friend that I met at the menta health ward after an attempt I had this summer and she just got her phone back and her and I are chatting and she’s totally positive and shit but idk it I wanna mentally being back those memories for myself, advice?

**Author's Note:**

> Authors note-  
> Henlo! Welcome to my first shitty fanfic!!!! Add me on the tumbles @juuuliaw or on insta @sun.burns.bright
> 
> Canonly, Evan is pretty anxious as it is with his meds so this is what I personally believe it would possibly be like off them.
> 
> Yeah, Connor is slightly OOC but he’s always OOC cuz... ya know 
> 
> Hope you enjoy, a comment would make my day ^w^


End file.
